Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
