Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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