my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
