i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
