everyone is single if you try hard enough
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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