I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Blood and glitter go together right?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
