I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
