I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
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