My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
