This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
