All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
