She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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