my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Come share oat with me in your robe
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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