i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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