somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
