I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
