i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
