I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
