Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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