I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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