dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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