i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
