If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
