I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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