I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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