you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
