Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
