Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
