Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
