just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
