I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
