I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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