You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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