No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
