you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize