nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
