he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize