i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
