we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
