It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
