I want to make a zoo with you.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
