I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
