I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
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