lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I believe in your delicious
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
