in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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