I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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