apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
