I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
