OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
