I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
