It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
