you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We have started to decorate penises.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I came so hard my ears popped.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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