Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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