I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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