i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
