Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
