Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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