Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
