Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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